Yes, it is!

Monday, January 23, 2017

Revealing the Truth

It's about time that I finally reveal the truth of how I believe. As much as I've tried to live a christian life in the past, it's just not for me.  I do not identify with being a christian. In fact, I feel more like an agnostic. I have felt that way for a long time. I put up a good front for the sake of my kids because I do not want them to hurt any more than they already do. A couple of years ago, I quit church because for a few reasons. It was a gradual thing at first because as much as I tried to fit in at that place, it just was not going to happen. But the final straw was when a particular person, a woman who had tried to exert control over me like she does so many others at that church, accused me of horrible things. I was already struggling with spiritual issues and betrayal (by that very controlling woman!). It got to the point where, after seeking advice from that church and getting no response, I nearly ended it all. I made a mistake of keeping the turmoil I was experiencing from my husband. But when he came home to find me so broken, he knew immediately who the woman was. Because he was concerned enough for my mental health and because he knew that woman had caused other people to leave, he told me to just stay away. Now nearly a year and a half after I nearly ended my life, I have decided that church is not for me and neither is religion. I still have my standards that I believe and try to live by but if there really is a god, I just don't know. I had one of the best years of my life last year after meeting a group of fantastic friends at the gym. I have never felt so uplifted, encouraged, and supported like this past year. These people love me and don't judge me. They have paid me the kindest compliments. They are my people! Finally, after living here 12 years, I feel worthy to somebody other than my husband. So, because of that, I don't need church. As much as my kids want me to go with them, I know that if I went back to their church, I would be taking a step back. That honestly puts fear in me because I do NOT want to end up in the state I was in almost a year and a half ago. I realize this decision has hurt my kids but hopefully they will eventually understand as they get older. For those who say you're praying for me, save your breath.
I realize this is rambling but it's just about time people know the real truth.