It’s not that you aren’t going to blow it. It is what you do with it, when you do. (by Ann Voskamp)
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Such profound words.
I fail as a mom. I fail as a friend. I fail with relationships. I often feel like a complete failure in every area of my life. Having 2 high maintenance children with special needs often wears me down but my children are my life. They are what keep me going. They have brought me out of my shell because I have had to advocate for them. I will fight tooth and nail for my children. But I still often fail my children. I yell too much, I have said some unkind things to my children, I sometimes want to run away. I often have a difficult time letting go of the clean, organized house pre-children (and pre-husband). I sometimes reminisce about my single days. But... in the end, I woudn't give up motherhood for anything. As difficult as it often is, I enjoy motherhood more than I ever imagined I would. I am often reminded by family members how I used to say that I was never going to get married and I was never going to have kids unless I adopted them. I'm eating my words now. I don't think I ever knew what love really was until I held my firstborn in my arms for the first time. As difficult as that first year was with my precious baby girl, the love I had (and still have) for her is indescribable.
I can't help but wonder if I would be a better mom if I had had a better example of motherhood during my own childhood. Unfortunately, I didn't have a very ideal example of parenting. Would I be less of a failure if I had a proper example of parenting? Would I be less stressed and anxious as a mom? Or even less angry and uptight? I don't know and I'll never know for sure. But I do know this, I am determined to change the course for my children. I want my children to know without a doubt, although I will fail them countless times, that I love them more than I can describe. I want so badly to avoid breaking my children's spirits. I know I have already done so and I feel terribly guilty about that. I really wish I had a parenting mentor, somebody that I can call for help when I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what else to do. It's so difficult living so far away from close friends and family who I know would come to my (and my kids') rescue.
Those statements at the top of this post came from a blog that I somewhat follow. Today, as I read her post from yesterday, those words had such a profound effect on me that they brought me to tears. See, I often get slightly jealous when I see how other moms seem to be so perfectly loving toward their children, even in trying times. I want to be like that but I can never seem to get it right. I also get jealous of those parents who have such obedient and compliant children. My kids are very trying and, as I have said before, very high maintenance. They definitely make motherhood a challenge. Although those statements were written in relation to mothers and children, they can also apply to any relationship in general. As I read those words again, I began to feel validated as a mom. And even as a friend. I know I will continue to fail as a mom to my children but I will also continue to love my children beyond measure. It is my hope and prayer that my children will always know that and that they go on to become even better parents than I could ever hope to be. Because I just love them that much.