Yes, it is!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Teetering on the Edge

I got a talking to tonight.  A real talking to. I feel such a tug of war in my soul.  One part of me is not sure about this heaven and hell stuff and the the other part of me wants to go back to my roots in faith.  I'm right in the middle of this tug of war and I'm not sure which side will win.
I have to admit that I did call out to God very early this morning.  It was around 3:30 this morning and I woke up struggling to breath.  Another apnea episode.  And then I panicked because I couldn't breath and I felt like I was dying.  I must have made a lot of movement when I got out of bed because it woke Tim up out of a sound sleep.  He asked if I was okay.  I told him that I couldn't breathe.  When I finally sat on the side of the bed, he asked if I was going to be okay.  I don't even remember answering that question.  I do know that I felt extreme fear and I was afraid to go back to sleep.  Of course, Tim rolled over and immediately resumed his snore-fest.  I continued to lie there and wonder if drinking that Coke (occasional treat) and then cleaning the house until 2 a.m. led to this.  My eyes felt so heavy and I fought the slumber.  I even asked that if God was real, then to please help me relax and to take the anxiety away.  All this while Tim continued his snore-fest and I continued to poke him to quiet his snoring (to no avail).  I eventually did fall back to sleep.
I was forced to wake up earlier than I felt like it this morning after the kids woke up and Jackie started her daily whining routine.  I tried to sleep through it and let Tim take care of it all but it just was not working.  So I got up, very tired still.
I was asked to meet somebody this evening at the church when I took Jackie to choir practice and Awana club.  I wasn't sure what to expect except that I would probably get a lashing because I was upset about an incident this past week. Thankfully no lashing was involved.  And it ended up that I was meeting two people, not one person.  These two people talked to me (in a very nice way).  I know I've been more guarded in the past few years but I didn't know just how obvious it was.  I have a difficult time letting others get to know the real me. And I guess I make it difficult for them to reach out to me.    I know I have walls around me but gee, I didn't realize just how thick those walls were.  I have such a distrust, especially with church people and I get suspicious of motivations.  But I want more than anything to be accepted by church people but I'm so afraid to let them get too close to me.  Plus, I really didn't think anybody cared anyway.
 I think these people really do care about the status of my faith.  They seem very concerned about me going to hell one day if I don't get salvation.  My best friend, L, told me previously that she knows I'm searching.  And she's probably right because these two people tonight said the same thing.  But what am I searching for really?   I have to admit that I've been feeling so "lost" for a long time.  I've had people question my faith in recent months but instead of receiving encouragement, I was pretty much chastised and quoted scripture.  I didn't need that. That only pushed me away further.  A couple of my closest friends (Kat & Lisa), I know really cared and would occasionally talk to me about it.  They never judged me and didn't preach at me. In fact, Kat was often brought to tears when she would share how her God saved her life in so many ways.  She definitely has an inspiring story.  Hearing all of these stories about "what God has done" does make me ponder faith again.
Before meeting these two people tonight, I was stressed because I did not know what was going to happen.  Were they going to lash out at me about this upsetting incident, were they going to preach at me, or were they going to apologize to me?  I was a bit tense.  I was not too pleased with how the meeting initially began but after it was over, I have to admit that I felt relief.  Relief that I was not criticized, relief that these people seemed to genuinely care.  The hell talk was a little intimidating but that's always been the case for me.  These people tried to reassure me that if I didn't have these walls around me, other people at the church would accept me.  I don't know about that, but I want to try.  And I'm afraid to do so.  I'm afraid of rejection.  I now realize these dumb walls are putting me on the defense.  I'm sure I've ruined any chance, though, of making good friends at the church.  Funny, those two people know me better than I ever realized.  I didn't realize so many people from that church were reading (or were they spying? Just had to add that) my blog.  (HELLO!)
So, these two people want to see me commit to God again and they were very passionate about it.  I didn't agree with everything that they said but who knows, they might win. Eventually. And I may just take up J on her offer to call her at 2 a.m. sometime to talk about God. Hehe (insert sinister face).  And she promised me a free gift. ; )'

1 comment:

Mary Lynne said...

I'm sorry that you are strugging, and I certainly don't want to preach. I don't know who talked to you last night, and that's not really my concern, but I will just make a few comments. While we do certainly NOT want anyone to go to hell, and we realize that there is a just punishment for our sins because we are all sinners, there is so much more involved in being a Christian than escaping hell. To tell you the truth, I think very little about that. What thrills me each day is knowing how much God loves me and that He wants a RELATIONSHIP with me. There is an amazing paradox in our relationship with God. He is a mighty God, but He is our friend, indeed, our best friend. He is just and he is merciful. And as is fitting to talk about today, He is LOVE. As a parent, I know you understand that love has many facets. You love your children and want the best for them. You want to teach them all the things they need to know. Sometimes you are hurt by their disobedience, and have to correct them. You want to spend time with them, and it hurts you when they push you away. It hurts you when they don't trust you. And these are just a few of the many ways we love our chidren. God feels the same way about us. But, when we have accepted the wonderful gift of fellowship with Him, He is always there for us and always loves us. Give me a call or email or facebook me one day this week, and I'll meet you at Dairy Queen (since it's close to Whiteside) or wherever you want, and we can have a treat and talk. I'll be praying for you.
Mary Lynne
618-531-7102