Yes, it is!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Self-Loathing

I hate myself.  I hate just about everything about me.  I remember a couple of times having to do a questionnaire asking what I liked about myself.  That was always a difficult assignment.  About the only things that I could think of was that I liked the color of my eyes and that I was a good listener and very loyal friend to the few friends that I trusted.  The negative things about myself far outweight the positive, that is for certain.  I think my struggle with my poor self-esteem is going to be a life-long thing.  
Today (actually, this entire week) is just another one of those days that continues to go downhill.  I made Jackie cry again this morning because she didn't want to wear her AFO.  She has not been consistent with wearing it and she must get back into the routine lest her foot start turning inward again.  And with the latest incident at school involving Jackie, I thought that maybe the other kids would have a little more compassion for Jackie and not hit her.  See, a couple of days ago, Jackie was in line to go to the lunch room.  A little girl behind Jackie hit Jackie because Jackie was walking too slow.  Jackie cannot help her slower gait due to her limp.  That made my blood boil for just a moment.  Then yesterday, Jackie encountered a similar incident at recess.  I am SO worried about Jackie being bullied.  I was severely bullied during my school years, including by a handful of my teachers who took on the same attitude as the students.  I mean, even at the church I attended at the time, I was the most unimportant kid there.  I was the most unpopular, ugliest kid at the school.  I didn't dress good enough, I wore coke-bottle thick glasses, I was extremely skinny, I was teased for my name, I was teased because of my parents' son.  You name, I was bullied about it.  Needless to say, my self-esteem really suffered because not only was I bullied outside of home , but my home environment was not much better with the abuse taking place there.  So, now that Jackie is in school and is starting to experience crap from other kids already, it brings back terrible memories and I'm just not sure what to do.  I don't want to appear like a hovering parent but I also do NOT want my child to endure what I had to endure. 
So, there is part of the reason for my self-loathing.  You know, I've never had a desire to be a popular person but I do desire respect and to have a nice circle of friends with whom I can just be myself.  But all too often, I put on a facade because I don't want anybody to know the "real" me.   I often feel inadequate next to other people.  I'm not worthy enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I don't dress as nicely.  And now my shaken faith in a god has put even more distance between me and others.  Thankfully, I do have a handful of really, really good friends who have stuck by me through the years and make me feel like an important part of their lives.  And they know who they are. 
Another frustrating thing is that are a lot of people who don't think I'm so swift and they treat me as such.  It is very frustrating and I must admit that I have made myself appear to be not-so-swift.  But if I really was a dumb person, I wouldn't have finished high school, I wouldn't have won a scholarship to finish my BA, I wouldn't made it 15 years at my last job, I wouldn't be able to manage my household with a husband AND kids AND dogs AND bills.  I don't want to sound conceited but I'm actually quite intelligent.  At least, according to past test scores.  But I must admit that I could probably improve that situation if I wore the hearing aids.  Hearing aids that would help me hear better.  Hearing aids that would enable me to better hear what conversation is really about so that I can respond appropriately in those situations.  I have a habit of trying to piece together conversations to figure out what is going on.  I learned to do that because people would get annoyed if I had to ask somebody to repeat something so that I can hear.  The last thing I want to do is annoy others.  Unless, of course, I'm playing around.  
There is so much more that I could write about that has led to this post but to make a very long story short, I will just suffice it to say that it really is an amazing thing I am here alive, married, and have my beautiful children.  My children, who make life worth living, even as difficult as it is at times to deal with them.  I have struggled for many years with depression and anxiety/panic disorder.  For several years, I even struggled with suicidal ideation.  Thankfully, the latter is no longer an issue as I have my beautiful family to care for.  So no worries there.  However, the anxiety & panic disorder has been extremely bothersome lately.  And I just don't understand why.
I really do believe that regular exercise can help increase the positive outlook for those who struggle with depression.  I've seen it for myself. However, the anxiety & panic disorder has been extremely bothersome lately.  And I just don't understand why.  I've been exercising on a very regular basis, at least 5-6 times a week.  I attend several zumba classes, I run, I've been working with a personal trainer. I've lost some weight and I'm getting my body back into shape.  Physically, I'm feeling so much better.  But why do I still struggle with the self-esteem issue?  Yeah, I do feel better about myself and I KNOW there is an obvious difference physically.  But, I still am not good enough.  And I probably never will be so I really should start working on coming to terms with this. 
The idea for this post today was brought on by the unfortunate fact that I have offended somebody again today and I didn't even know it until the damage was done.  It's interesting that people feel they can play around with me and expect me to be a good sport, which I am most of the time, but when I play around, people are just plain offended.  I'm just going to start keeping my dumb-ass mouth shut.  And when I leave my home, perhaps I should consider some clear duct tape to help keep my mouth shut lest I risk offending somebody again. 
I guess I better decide what my next step is going to be.  Should I continue the personal training?  Should I continue zumba?  Should I continue trying to get myself back into good physical shape?  Or should I just go back to being a somewhat hermit and stay cozy in my own little world?  It was a huge step for me to even join to Y where there was the potential to meet a bunch of new friends.  Making new friends makes me a little nervous.  It's just so much more comfortable to stay in my own little cocoon.  I wonder if there is rehab for people like me.  I could sure use it because as comfortable as it is to just be in my own little world, I certainly don't want my children to live such a life.  It would make me so happy if my children become well-liked, respected, and not socially inept. 

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