Yes, it is!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The "D" Word

No, I'm not getting divorced. However, I have to be honest and say that if it wasn't for the kids, I really do not know what my marital status would be. I never thought I would say that but the truth of the matter is that our marriage needs some mending. Looking back, there have been warning signs all along. T was a member of a local motorcycle club. There was no way that I was going to ask him to step down from that as it was something that he enjoyed being a part of. I had no problem with his membership there. The problem I had was that he would never tell me of his plans with the club until the night before or the morning of. I was often left alone on Saturdays. After awhile, it started to bother me and no matter how often I asked T to give me advance notice of his plans with the club, it just did not work out that way. And this started at the very beginning of the marriage. There were other little things that when added up equaled to a bigger thing.
We rarely fight and maybe that's part of our problem. I grew up in a volatile environment and there was fighting between the parents almost daily. I lived in fear during my childhood. So, whenever I feel stress of any kind in my marriage, I tend to keep it to myself because I want
peace. But resentment and frustration builds over time until I eventually withdraw entirely. Communication is definitely a problem here. In the past, I feel that I have tried my part in communicating. But when I do try to talk to T or ask him to do something, he gets an attitude. Then I get mad. Then T gets mad because I get mad. Then I get mad because he's mad. It's just a vicious circle. I don't know, is fighting okay? Is it okay to have the occasional argument? Will it cause harm to my children? I don't want them to experience the fear that I experienced during childhood.
Lately, I've been feeling frustrated because I am getting so tired of constantly doing of others. I rarely get a moment during the day. That is why I have become such a night owl. That is my only break from everything here.
Okay, so tonight T and I had a big argument. It all started because I got angry that he left a cup of melting ice on my sofa table. My sofa table that is already ruined because somebody put a fragrance refill on it where it got tipped over and the oil ruined the finish on part of the table. I feel like I am constantly cleaning and picking up after him (and kids) and lately, I have just gotten to where I just leave his mess. Now I understand that he is quite busy during the week working full-time while working on his MBA at the same time. Then on the weekends, he is busy doing his dirt-bike thing. But, is it too much to ask for him to pick up after himself? Is it too much to ask for him to clean up whatever messes he makes? I can forgive the occasional oversight but geez, this is all. the. time. Of course, I brought that up during tonight's argument but then puts the guilt trip on me.
T does have an attention problem. It affects our relationship because he often loses things or forgets things and he is quite dependent on me to help out. He does not realize this and in fact, will deny it. There have been many early mornings when I have been jolted awake by him because he can't find whatever it is that he's looking for. That always puts me in a sour mood. I am not one who an be abruptly woken up and expected to have an immediate happy spirit. That is just one example of what I have lived with since being married to him. A few years ago, I gave him an ultimatum and he did go to the doctor and was prescribed a medication because he did exhibit symptoms of ADD. I saw a huge improvement. Tim said he did not and complained that the medication made him tired. Well, he refused to try taking the meds at night instead of in the morning and eventually quit taking the medication. I saw an increase in his frustration level after he quit the medication. Now we're right back to where we were then.
When T gets frustrated, he has been known to throw things such as books, pens, pencils, or whatever it is that he is working on. Usually, it's something that has little value. I never really felt fear although it did make me feel a little stress. We had an incident last weekend that made me question if this is a sign that things are going to escalate into worse things. I do not want to live in fear and I gave T an ultimatum again. He agreed on the ultimatum but I am still having difficulty letting go of the recent round of resentment and frustration. That is partially what led up to tonight's argument.
I have the most difficult time talking to T. I hate trying to communicate because I just know he's going to have an attitude and get mad. I want to be happily married. I want to be able to communicate. I want to feel like I have a partner in parenting. I don't have any of the above. I worry about my children. I worry that they will eventually catch on to what's going on. Right now, they are oblivious to it all. At least, I hope they are.
Thankfully, I have my children who inspire me to keep up the fight and to try to get things on the right track. They are what I am living for right now.

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